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I come from a family where spanking was done in anger, and out of desperation. It was an emotional outburst, a reaction. “Well, I’ll teach him!” That sort of thing. There was also hitting, and shaking, and pushing, and all kinds of other physical punishment/retaliation that fall outside the traditional definition of spanking. In my family (aunts, uncles, cousins) parenting was a power struggle. It didn’t really matter if you were right, or what course of action would most benefit the child in the long run. The point was you were the parent and so it was going to be your way. Period. Religion of any kind and my family of origin do not really mix. A few members of my family have ‘tried out’ different faiths over the years, but mostly I come from very agnostic stock.
I married a man who comes from a big family of very conservative Christian evangelicals. In his family spanking is the norm, and is viewed as the “Biblical Way” to raise children. In his family, generally, spanking is a decision made in advance, and is explained pretty thoroughly to the children all through their young years. From what I have witnessed and heard from parents in his family, spanking and hitting are two very different things to them. Spanking is done out of “love and not anger.” And usually after a child has disobeyed, they are told the spanking is coming, and sent off to the bathroom to await it. The kids understand that they have disobeyed their parents, which is a sin, and their parents must spank them because God has told them to.
My family has had a hard time with some of our parenting decisions, and I’m sure they might have more issues if we didn’t live 1200 miles away and they saw us regularly. Levi’s family on the other hand has been pretty great about letting things go. I know a lot of people in his family think we are doing a great disservice to our children by not spanking and that our children are going to be wild and unruly. But they have been completely respectful and some of them have even been fairly open to talking about this emotionally charged issue.
Somewhere in the middle of all of this are Levi and I. We’ve each had our own struggles with church, and with God. We have seen God’s hand in our lives so clearly these past 5 and half years of marriage. We believe in Jesus, which means we also believe in a grace-filled faith. We believe in a God of love and acceptance. We believe that spirituality is messy. We ask God questions, we argue with him, we yearn for answers that we may not get until we’re in the New Jerusalem. We hypothesize and underline passages and lookup the original Hebrew text. We pray and pray and pray and pray.
My issues with spanking are numerous and scientifically backed and sometimes just common sense. But recently discussions with family and friends have centered on this idea that spanking is THE way that Jesus-loving parents discipline their children. My journey to questioning this assumption begins with how backwards that seems. God doesn’t discipline me by spanking. He doesn’t cause me physical pain or discomfort for disobeying him. He doesn’t give me the same ‘punishment’ for any and every transgression. I don’t get extra ‘swats’ when I commit a ‘big’ sin. I’m not really convinced that God punishes me at all. I have sinned. Every day. I have flamboyantly disregarded God’s commands for my life. I have known the right thing to do and walked in the opposite direction on purpose. And all I have experienced is unending love and grace. Unexplainable, illogical acceptance. Blessings that rain down on my dirty face just because I’m His, and and not because I deserve it. So it doesn’t make sense to me that this God of grace and love and freedom would ask me to spank my child and teach them obedience by fear.
The biblical basis for spanking comes down to a few verses in Proverbs.
1. Proverbs is a collection of ‘sayings and riddles of the wise’ (Proverbs 1:6) mostly compiled by King Solomon. Solomon is not the person in the Bible I would go to for parenting advice as his son Rehoboam was a self-centered, egotistical ruler who ignored the elders in his circle and was rebellious and overall a terrible leader. It is also a COLLECTION OF SAYINGS and not a LIST OF RULES STRAIGHT FROM THE MOUTH OF JESUS. I have issue with basing spanking mostly on the book of Proverbs because Proverbs also warns against winking (Proverbs 10:10) and says that it would be better in some situations to kill yourself rather than eat too much (Proverbs 23:2). Clearly there is a lot of hyperbole, metaphor, and outdatedness to this book, and to take it 100% literally in the first place seems foolish.
2. Most of the verses used to promote spanking use the word ‘rod’. Rod does not mean your hand, or a wooden spoon, or a switch, or whatever else ‘Biblical’ spankers use to strike their children. The Hebrew word used in Proverbs is shebet which is most accurately translated as a scepter (like a king would have) or a large branch/walking stick. So if you’re going to be literal here, “Biblical” spanking would involve a much larger weapon than even spanking parents would use on their child. It is very possible that this was originally meant to be taken symbolically, like a shepherds rod (which was used to gently redirect and to beat off wolves).
3. Most of the verses use the word ‘child’ or ‘son’. Many Christians today interpret this as meaning a young child, 2-8 years old or so. I’m not actually sure when most people stop spanking. But just like we have words in English that describe a child more specifically by age, so does Hebrew. We use newborn, infant, toddler, child, preteen, adolescent, etc. The Hebrew words yeled, yonek, olel, and taph describe the youngest children, from newborn up to preteen are NEVER FOUND IN THESE VERSES. For example, in Proverbs 22:13 and 15, the Hebrew word used in na’ar, which is the same Hebrew word used in Deuteronomy 21:18-21 which says:
18 If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20 They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.” 21 Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.
So, obviously, na’ar is an older child or teenager if he is capable of being a glutton. Further, we don’t take this verse literally when our teenaged sons disobey us and become drunkards. Doesn’t that seem a little hypocritical?
My point here is that we can’t say that spanking is biblical, because the “Biblical” version of things involves beating a preteen or teenager with a big walking stick, and even stoning them to death if that doesn’t work. The Bible never, ever says that we should hit our young ones with our hands or a small switch of some kind. It never says to pull down their pants and swat them. It never says that we should use spanking as a methodical mode of discipline.
I have a lot more ideas about what the Bible DOES say about parenting. And I have a lot more to say about our decision to never spank. But I think I have been preachy and soapboxy enough for one evening. Please hear this before you comment in real life or on this post: I fully support the autonomy of parents, and I also believe that it is a parents job to educate themselves and make the best choices they can for their kids. The way I parent is not going to work in all families, and I don’t think you should do things my way. It just seems that the spanking argument always ends with ‘Well, it’s biblical and I’m a Christian so I spank.” And that is just not going to cut it for me anymore.
For two fabulous posts on this topic from two of my favorite blogs please see:
Emerging Mummy: In Which I Talk About Spanking
Metropolitan Mama: 7 Reasons We Don’t Spank
